Forgiveness Between Believers

 

What does Forgiveness look like Between Believers?


Forgiveness, Justice, Accountability and Reconciliation


By Pastor Dan Kennedy

© October 24, 2010

www.pastorkennedy.com



How many of us have been unjustly treated or slighted sometime in our life – by someone in the church?  Have we needed to forgive or ask forgiveness?  Most likely all of us can say that we have.


There are few things that can cause more frustration and anxiety than when people hurt each other…especially if they are members of our human family, or members of our spiritual family.


Sometimes this hurt is so deep that nothing can be said or done to relieve its searing pain or grief.  It may be a long time before the pain lessens.  Most likely, it will never be forgotten completely…although the intensity will diminish over time as the Lord allows healing to take place.  


The enemy of our souls wants to use deep hurts to destroy our spiritual well being.  We must be cautious and vigilant; if we let painful thoughts fester and grow bitter in our souls, they will do permanent damage.  When we are troubled with thoughts of the offences that have happened to us, it may be very likely that at the same time those who have offended us are being troubled with their own hateful, guilty or deceived thoughts which have caused them to excuse and condone their past actions.  Satan has a field day with everyone involved – accusing, confusing, lying, deceiving and destroying for his own destructive purposes.  Since our primary battle is not with flesh and blood but with spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places, our spiritual enemy will seek to take advantage whenever or wherever he will (Ephesians 6:12).


Biblical Direction is Given

The Bible has given us direction on how we should deal with the subject of forgiveness between believers, and with others.  The Scripture is our primary source when we need understanding in these deeply emotional subjects.


2 Timothy 3

16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.


As we look at this subject today…(a subject that you have requested), we will address it from what we understand the Scripture to say.  May the Lord bring healing to our souls through His Word and His Spirit!


Encouraging Biblical Life Stories

Why do you think we experience such painful things in life and at church?  Are these events in some way a testing of our faith?  How does this affect the people who go through this with us, or who are looking on observing destructive behavior in the church? 

How would you like your story of the testing of your faith to be recorded in the Bible for generations to read?  Would your story be a story of faith or frustration, of victory or defeat?


Most of the life stories mentioned in the Bible have no more than a few verses condensing the details of their walk of faith.  Only a few people have a chapter or more dedicated to their life story.  There are exceptions to this.


Abraham, for example, has some 9 chapters in Genesis outlining the struggles and victories of this man of faith (Genesis 17-25).  One of Abraham and Sarah’s primary life-trials was being childless – when promised by God to have a vast heritage through their descendents.  The trial of our faith is more precious than refined gold, 1 Peter 1:7 tells us, and Abraham and Sarah certainly have evidenced that through their response to God in testing.  Abraham is known as the father of those who believe God, and that faith was counted to him as righteousness.


Romans 4

19 He [Abraham] did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. 20 No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. 22 That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” 23 But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, 24 but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, 25 who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.


Joseph, a young man who was abused by his brothers and sold into slavery only to experience more adversity, is given almost 13 chapters in the Bible outlining his life and response to very tough circumstances in Genesis 37 to 50.  How Joseph responded to jealousy, slavery, life-threatening lies and unfulfilled expectations is a study on faith, endurance, and forgiveness.  Many, many people over the years have been encouraged through how God worked in the seeming tragic events found Joseph’s life, but how God worked all these things out to preserve His people. When we are struggling through deep trials in life, it is good to read and meditate on the life story of Joseph.


If we receive encouragement and strength through these stories of faith, we should also be aware that our own personal life story and the story of those around us who have each come through his or her own trials of faith, are life stories of faith for other’s encouragement as well!  Our life story may be the only Bible others around us may “read” and take to heart for some time.


Now, let’s look at how forgiveness plays a huge part in our life.  We as believers have a totally different response to forgiveness than the world has.  This sets our life story apart as those who are Children of God.


Forgiveness Itself is a Non-Negotiable


Forgiveness or unforgiveness plays a huge role in anyone’s life.  Emotions can be seriously affected and life itself can be hung in the balance.  That is why Jesus gave no room for an unforgiving spirit.


Matthew 6

            11Give us this day our daily bread,

            12and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.


Mark 11

25 And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”


The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant

Matthew 18

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”


Forgiveness is a choice for us.  It is an act of our will.  We also need to understand that the end of forgiveness is not to simply build a chummy relationship with the one(s) who sinned against us.  We may or may not ever “reconcile” with those who caused us such pain.  Forgiveness goes much deeper than that, but forgiveness begins as our choice.


Forgiveness counters our desperate natural human desire to judge, to bring vengeance, or to seek to deliver a like-kind destructiveness as was given to us by our adversaries, in our response to our deep hurt.  It centers on our willingness to give all the responsibility for vengeance, negative response and outcome to God…not to carry it ourselves.  Forgiveness is a choice of our will:  “I am choosing to forgive this person or group of people.  I am making God their final Judge, not me.”


Forgiveness solves the problem of incompetent judges becoming THE Judge.


Only God knows all the details on both sides of the issue (even the thoughts and intent of each heart), so He is the only one who can make clear Judgment.  That means we cannot be the judge, jury and the one who brings vengeance.  If we do not forgive, we become THE Judge.  God will judge us as we have judged!  Forgiveness protects us from coming under God’s Judgment.


God is the only Judge

God’s Judgment is the only place where justice can be certain, right and fair.  For everyone else it is, “Judge not that you be not judged.”


Romans 14

10 Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; 11 for it is written,

“As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,

and every tongue shall confess to God.”

12 So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.


2 Corinthans 5

10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.


Matthew 7

Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.


Forgiveness solves the problem of vengeance:  1. Our inability to know exactly what retribution would be needed; and 2. Our inability to give retribution to its fullest extent!


Forgiveness rightfully places the need for vengeance and retribution into the Hands of God.


Forgiveness gives God what we see to be our own personal ownership of Judgment and Vengeance.

If you willingly “give something away” you relinquish the right to have ownership control over it any more.

Forgiveness gives away the ownership of personal hurt.

oYou give to God the right of justice.

oYou give to God the right of personal vindication.

oYou give to God the control how your reputation can be seen.


Forgiveness solves the problem of our being consumed with anxiety, fear, hatred, sorrow and grief and all the negative things that plague unforgiveness.


oWe give to God the right to all our anxiety, fear, sorrow and grief of how deeply the hurt has affected us.


Can we still remember the pain and feel a need for justice, vindication, clearing your reputation, anxiety, fear, sorrow and grief?  Certainly!

But whenever the pain is there we continue to affirm our commitment to forgiveness and yielding our hurt and all of our emotions to God.


Forgiveness is not the avoidance of accountability.


Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation and forgiveness is not acquiescing to evil or avoidance of accountability.


What forgiveness isn’t:


  1.   Forgiveness is not Reconciliation


The martyr Stephen forgave those who were stoning him.  He did not reconcile with them.


Jesus did not reconcile with those who crucified Him, He brought reconciliation with God to them through His death.  Jesus asked His Father to forgive those who crucified Him, because they did not know what they were doing.  He did not revile them as they reviled Him.  He did not threaten them, as they had threatened Him.  He continued to entrust Himself to Him who Judges justly.


  1.   Forgiveness is not Condoning

  2.   Forgiveness is not Forgetting

“If we can’t forget, how do we know when we are healed?  We are healed from the offense when we can think about that person or situation and it has no more power to make us angry or hurt.” 

  1.   Forgiveness is not Instant Healing

  2.   Forgiveness is not a process; it is a decision

1.  Agree with God that we need to forgive.

2.  Decide to do it. (An act of our will.)

3.  Acknowledge who we have to forgive and state how we feel about it.  (Ask the Lord to heal our wounded heart.)

4.  Act out our forgiveness with our behavior, and our emotions (feelings) will follow.  Most of the things we get done in life, we choose to do.  Forgiveness is no different.


[Excerpts above in italics “what forgiveness isn’t” taken from Kitchen Table Counseling, by Muriel Cook and Shelly Volkhardt]


Forgiveness is choosing to entrust into God’s Hand the circumstances, the persons involved, the outcomes, and the future.


Forgiveness is responding to those who hurt us as God has told us to respond to our enemies:


o  To love our enemies with God’s love (Matthew 5:44)

o  To pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44)

o  To treat our enemies graciously, as we would want to be treated and as God treats His enemies (Luke 6:27, 28; Romans 12:20; Matt. 5:44-48)


Jesus Christ is the primary example of One who Forgives.


How did Jesus Christ deal with horrendous acts that were brought against Him by unrepentant and prideful religious leaders?


1 Peter 2

19 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.


Jesus Christ Himself, as One who is sinless, did not respond in deceit, revile in return or threaten.  He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly!


If we are Believers in Jesus Christ we will be faced with situations, which put us unjustly in harms way. 


These situations press us more closely to Christ.  We must entrust ourselves to Him who Judges Justly.


2 Timothy 3:12 – We must expect painful situations

12 Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted….


1 Peter 4  - Painful things purify us

1 Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 2 so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.


We, as Christ, must entrust ourselves to our faithful Creator


12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 14 If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. 15 But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. 16 Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name. 17 For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And

“If the righteous is scarcely saved,

what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”

19 Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.


Romans 12

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


After Forgiveness, what are the Appropriate Steps to Reconciliation:


Reconciliation begins with an offending party accepting responsibility for the wrong.


1.   Accountability -  “I am at fault”; “I was wrong;” “I, we, sinned against you.”


2.   Repentance – “I am truly sorry for what I (we) have done.”


Accountability and repentance normally is only as wide as the offense.  If it is sin against only one person, accountability and repentance should generally only be to that person.  If there are more people involved, it should only be as wide as those who were involved.


3.   Response from the one hurt or offended – “I forgive you.”


4.   Restitution – honorable payment for what was lost, if there was loss involved.  This step reveals the integrity of a person’s repentance.


5.   Reconciliation can begin.


When there is no accountability there is no ownership leading to repentance.

If there is no repentance, there can hardly be honest reconciliation.

When a person’s pride is so great that they cannot bring themselves to be accountable, repent, and offer restitution, then they will suffer the consequences of being accountable to God.  God be merciful to their souls.


Do you want your faith to be revealed before God?  Forgive in a manner that is not vindictive.  Forgiveness is confident that God is, and that He sees all, hears all, knows all, and will justly deal with all.  This kind of response is a revealer of our faith in a Living God.  How one responds to the terrible things of life, reveals what kind of person he or she is on the inside.  Those who abuse and act spiritual reveal their lack of spirituality by their fruit.  The genuineness and depth of faith is revealed by those who are tested, and who entrust themselves to Him who Judges justly.   Does it hurt deeply to be abused, lied about and left bleeding on the side of the road to die –  avoided by those who may say they are religious, all the while hoping the good Samaritan would come along as soon as possible?  Certainly!  But God is not blind.  He is not deaf.  He is not imperceptive.  He knows the very motives of the heart.  He will call into account everything that should be called into account.  Can you and I trust God to Justly Judge?  If we can, I believe that this kind of faith is accounted to us as righteousness!


The New Testament deals with forgiveness and accountability.


If there is deception or misjudgment in church, there is the final justice by the Judge of all judges.  To cast one’s self on Almighty God is the only recourse one truly has.  He knows all things.  Deception and injustice can be rife in the church, just as much as godliness…when sin, abuse of power, or a deceiving spirit reigns.


1.  Lawsuits  


1 Corinthians 6:1-8

When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? 2 Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! 4 So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? 5 I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers, 6 but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers? 7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? 8 But you yourselves wrong and defraud—even your own brothers!


2.  If Your Brother or Sister Sins Against You


Matthew 18

15If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”


3.  If you know you have offended your Brother or Sister


Matthew 5

21 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. 26 Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.


Another Problem Associated with Forgiveness


Reputation

The following is a story by Wayne Jacobsen in dealing with dying to reputation.


Of No Reputation

I have been a slave to my reputation almost my entire life and it has been an oppressive burden.  I first saw it weakening in my life in a conversation with a friend.  She had asked me to write her a letter explaining my role in mediating a dispute between her and her business partner.  They had begun the business out of their close friendship and now they could no longer work together.  They couldn’t agree on how to split up the business and asked for my help.  I told them at the outset we probably couldn’t find a resolution they both thought fair, but could perhaps find one where they both felt equally cheated.  A few hours of piecing together various options finally brought a solution.

Then, some six months later, she called me to say that the previous partner was telling her friends how she had been cheated out of the business.  She wanted me to write a letter describing the process we had been through to prove the other woman a liar.

“I am willing to do that, Jill,” I said on the phone, “but let me give you something to consider first.  This may be an opportunity for you to die to your reputation.”  As the words came out of my mouth I remember cocking my head in surprise that I had said them.

For the previous four years I had also been the victim of some rumors spread about me and my family by those who wanted to discredit my ministry.  I had often prepared responses to the lies that were being told, but each time God had prevented me from mailing them.  “I want you to give up serving your reputation and trust it to me,” was all he would tell me.  I remember that Jesus made himself of no reputation.  It was the most painful season of my life.  How could I encourage anyone toward a similar process?

But that morning it dawned on me how much the past four years had worked the Father’s freedom into my life.  If people misunderstood my ministry or believed lies about me, that was God’s business not mine.  Mine was to simply do what he asked without the horrible need to defend myself and make sure other people liked me in the process.  Now I could enjoy the fruits of his freedom.

I wanted Jill to have the same thing, though she was shocked by my offer.  I told her my story and finished with these words, “Jill, as long as you have to guard your reputation you are a slave of anyone who chooses to lie about you.  Those who know you well enough won’t need a letter, and those who don’t, won’t believe it anyway.”

I never wrote the letter and Jill got to discover the incredible joy of living free of other people’s opinions.  I know it was painful, but when you know the Father loves you completely and that your reputation is secure in his hands, you will never again have to appeal for the approval of others.

That freedom will not only be one of the greatest blessings of the journey, but it is also the key to loving other people the way you’ve been loved yourself. 


(Above illustration from He Loves Me!  By Wayne Jacobsen, Windblown Media, Newbury Park, CA pgs. 178-180)


Conclusion


There are many diverse situations in the world and in the church that require forgiveness.  We who are Children of the Most High God are those who should respond as God’s Word teaches us.


  1.   We are to forgive from our heart.

  2.   We are to wisely respond to the person or persons causing the offense, seeking appropriate reconciliation. 

  3.   We are to graciously love, pray for and treat honorably those who act like our enemies.

  4.   If we are at fault, we need to take steps to seek forgiveness ourselves.


Forgiveness is a choice.  It is an act of our will.  Forgiveness evidences a spirit, which is not vindictive.  It does not seek revenge, but instead, forgiveness gives back the “right” for judgment and vindication, and casts itself under the Mercy and Justice of Almighty God.